


Be My Superman

by FayeWildwood



Category: Descendants (2015)
Genre: Carlos is my baby, M/M, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, i'm so mean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-10-29 20:52:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10861866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeWildwood/pseuds/FayeWildwood
Summary: Carlos has struggled his whole life with his mother's abuse and her crazy runs in the family. He finds himself having trouble fitting in at Auradon's Prep school, struggling with what it really means to be good. His friends all have something here in this new land: Mal has Ben, Evie has Doug and her fashion, and Jay has Tourney and any girl he wants. Carlos has the voices and try as he might he can't get rid of them, can't control them, and they're only getting worse. Back on the island Jay helped with the voices, but now... he doesn't want to ruin the fun they're all having. But He doesn't want to end up like his mother.





	1. Starting Again

**Author's Note:**

> So a few things. I was kind of inspired by the new song from Descendants 2, where Carlos sings "hear her voice in my head". And he's always so chipper and has this crazy way he dances and stuff, so this came out of that. Also I'm not saying he has one specific mental disorder like schizophrenia or bi polar or anything. I'm going to say right now that I don't know much about those disorders so in this universe it's going to be called Madness (like what the hatter has) so I don't offend anyone or spout incorrect information.  
> Anyway, enjoy!  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, just the plot to this story.

"If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?" - 3 Doors Down

 

They had been in Auradon for two weeks before the coronation. Two weeks where Carlos had been so blissfully happy to be away from the Isle that he forgot. Two weeks where we wasn't plagued with the truth. Two weeks where he was perfectly free.

After the coronation everything went relatively back to normal. While they weren't necessarily loved, the four of them were at least accepted at the school. Some of them had made friends, found little cliques to fit into like barely fitting puzzle pieces. Mal had Ben and her new duties as the King's girlfriend. Evie got sucked into her studies and her fashion, making quite a name for herself after Snow White mentioned her styling Mal's dress at the coronation. And Jay had Tourney which took up so much of his time Carlos barely got to see him outside of them sharing a dorm room.  Sure they were still all practically inseparable. They had grown up together, gone through shit together, there was nothing that could tear them apart. They still hung out after classes, still ate lunch together, went to events together. But it was different. Instead of them all being completely devoted to each other because that's all they had, now they had other things to spend their time on, other people to love.

And what did Carlos have?

Pain that littered his skin with scars, and bruised bones that were still healing. Panic, deep seated in his chest like a bird in a nest. And the voices, echoing inside his skull.

Back on the Isle it was normal. Everyone was crazy in their own little way. No one looked at him weird when he started muttering to himself or his mood changed faster than you could blink. His mother was barely there in the head and crazy seemed to run in the family. But he had the others, Mal and Evie and Jay, to bring him back from the brink when it got out of hand. He had Jay to talk him through the panic attacks and he had Evie who sewed up the holes in his skin. It was easy for a while when they first came to Auradon, so easy that he forgot what it was like to be under his mother's thumb. It was a welcome relief. The voices were still there, whispering in the back of his mind, but they didn't demand to be heard, they didn't draw away his attention.

After coronation though, things seemed to snap back into place in his head.

The reminder that his mother was no longer there to hurt him, the fact that everyone was a little crazy, was no comfort to him anymore. Auradon was filled with normal people, people who didn't have to fight with voices in their heads, fight to keep their focus. The worst they had was Hatter, the Home Ec teacher, who was only sick because of the way he made his hats.

And they were getting harder and harder to control. The voices were screaming in his head now all throughout the day and he was starting to get strange looks from random students in the school who caught him mumbling to himself or pulling his hair to distract himself.

He'd wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night, wanting desperately to curl up in Jays arms so he could calm him down, make him feel protected, but the other man was a dead sleeper, especially after a hard practice. So instead he hid himself in the bathrooms whenever they got bad, locked himself in closets like he did at home on the Isle, anywhere small where he could curl in on himself and feel safe.

 

...

 

"Hey Carlos, why don't you ever come to the showers with us," Chad asked one day after tourney, knocking the white haired boy's shoulder with his, a stupid look on his face that had Carlos taking a step back. "Not shy are you? We're all guys. Plus you always miss the pizza we get after."

Carlos swallowed, tugging at the long sleeves he wore under his jersey. He knew they couldn't see the scars and the burns on his skin, he'd never let them, but those dumb eyes were questioning and curious and he hated curious. "Yeah... shy..." was all he could think to mumble, eyes skirting across the field to search for Jay, to beg the other with his eyes to come to his rescue.

_Like a maiden in a tower? Pathetic, you need a man to come save you._

He flinched at the voice and avoided the weird look Chad gave him. "It's not that bad, we're all in there. We're all guys. Nothing to be shy about."

_Except that you're broken, like a porcelain doll glued back together too many times._

_Let them see your spots, let them see the real you under that jersey. What would they think of a little dalmatian?_

Fury flooded through him at the voice, so much like his mother, but it was crushed by the fear that grasped at his heart like ice cold fingers. "I just like showering in my dorm," he managed to say, which was a miracle really because the voices were so loud in his head that he could barely form thoughts, much less words. "I-I gotta go, okay?" He plastered a smile on his face and turned before the charming could stop him, ducking through the remainder of the game crowd and into the halls of the dorm rooms.

_That's right, run away and hide._

His vision was blurring, but he managed to throw himself into the room he shared with Jay, knowing the other would still be in the showers and ducked his way into the closet. It snapped shut behind him and he hid himself behind the piles of clothes on the floor and the few shirts that hung from the pole. It was cramped and he had to bring his knees tight to his chest and duck his head down to even fit, but it was familiar and warm. Unfortunately it did little to help the panic settling in his stomach. In fact, recently it hadn't been helping much at all. The world dipped and spun under him and his throat ran dry as he heaved in breaths that didn't seem to make it all the way to his lungs.

_Carlos, darling, come to mummy..._

_Carlos! I'm out of cigarettes dear! Go fetch mummy some more would you?_

_You're worst than the dogs, Carlos! Begging like a pathetic little mutt._

"Go away, go away..." he would beg them, plead with them. Each time he would try to convince the voices to go away, and each time he failed. "Go away... go away..."

_Oh sweetie, mummy will always be here with you okay? No matter how far away you are from me, I'm always here._

The circular burn in the center of his wrist ached with the voice's words, all of the scars along his pale skin flaming to life as he remembered that he really was nothing more than a mutt, a street dog with nothing to hold him down but a chain strapped around his neck. The chain tightened and his throat closed up, fingers scraping at his throat so that when he pulled away they were stained with blood.

_Now look what you've done. You've made a mess!_

_Pathetic._

A sinister cackle escaped his lips, wicked and broken as he continued to claw at his neck, the pain barely registering in his mind.

He only laughed.

...

 

"Carlos? Could you please list off the six Matrons of Evil for the rest of the class?"

He'd heard the teacher ask the question, of course he had. Who couldn't hear that snotty, too high pitched voice. Gods he hated Magical History. It was all 'who's fault is it? evil. Who did this? evil.' and it was grinding at his nerves like sandpaper. He clenched his teeth so hard he thought he heard his jaw pop as he tried to form the answer in his head. 

_Go ahead,_  the voices whispered, _tell them who's names are on that list. Tell them what blood runs through your veins._

A strange giggle burst from his lips, drawing gazes to him that logically he knew he didn't want but only made him giggle more. "Matrons of Evil," he said between laughs, his fingers twitching as he tugged at the scarf around his neck. It was too tight, too tight. He wanted to run his hands through his hair, to tear at his scalp to get the voices out. "What a dumb name. I mean who comes up with these names?" He babbled to himself mostly, but he knew it was loud enough to hear and Evie, who sat in front of him, turned around with a concerned look in her eyes. His eyes widened and a wicked smile spread across his lips before he could stop it. "Dearest mummies of ours are on the list aren't they Evie?" Her eyebrows pulled down, questioning him.

"Mr. De Vil, will you simply answer the question."

His last name echoed through his brain and a chill ran down his spine as if the teacher had dumped ice over his head. His smile fell into a grimace and he dug his nails into the cover of the textbook so hard that he was sure they would leave marks.

_That's right, you're a de Vil. You have acid flooding through your veins and evil in your heart._

_You stupid mutt..._

"Mr. De Vil?"

"Maleficent, Evil Queen, Cruella..." he ground out through his teeth, eyes blinking rapidly, never staying in one spot as he tried desperately to claw through the voices in his head for the answer to the questions. Evie was still looking at him, but realization seemed to dawn in her eyes because she looked shocked, like she too had forgotten the magnitude of the pain that the Isle left behind. Even though she still looked at herself in the mirror with doubt and caked on make up she didn't need. Even though she questioned when people called her beautiful... she had forgotten the evil left over in Carlos. "Ursula... the Queen of Hearts..." _A heart! Now there is something you don't have. Evil doesn't deserve the luxury of love, my dear._ "and Mother Gothel."

"Very good," the teacher said, not seeming to notice the drastic change in moods as he turned back to the board to write the names down.

_That's because he doesn't care. Nobody cares._

_Why would anyone care that you're going mad?_

He had the sudden urge to take his sharpened pencil and throw it. If he put enough force behind it, and at the right angle, it could hit the teacher right in the-

"No..." he growled out, making Evie turn to him again. "I can't... I can't do that." His voice was barely above a whisper but the teacher turned to him.

"Excuse me?"

_You're rotten,_  the voices reminded him as his fingers wrapped around the pencil, squeezing so tight that it creaked under his fingers. _You could kill him right now and never bat an eye, baby._

"Carlos..."

The boy in question stood at the sound of Evie's voice, his chair screaming as it was forced back on the tile. She only wanted to help and he desperately wanted her help, but he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't rely on others when they had lives to live. He'd only drag them down. _That's right, puppy, run away with your tail between your legs. She can't help you. No one can._  Carlos shoved his books in his bag, the teacher's voice a dull noise behind the loud voices. Before Evie could grab his arm with her reaching hand, he was out the door and launching himself back to the safety of his closet, to the comfort of the dark. His scarf fell to the floor somewhere in the room but he didn't bother looking to see where as his fingers found the still raw wounds from a few days before, slowly scabbing over.

_Messy, messy, puppy. How could anyone love something as broken as you?_

"Broken," he mumbled, rocking back and forth as he tore through his hair, knowing that the blood from his fingers would stain the white, but not caring. "Broken, broken..."


	2. Needing Mending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos has a pretty bad Madness attack and Jay finds him to patch him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got some great reviews on the first chapter! So I'm going to go ahead with this story!  
> Just a warning, this chapter has some heavy (unintentional) self harm, abuse and mental disorder talk in it, so fair warning.

"If I'm alive and well, will you be there a holding my hand?" - 3 Doors Down

 

 

Evie slammed the door open to the general sciences classroom, shocking everyone in the room into turning towards her. Her chest was heaving and her feet ached from running in her heels. She knew she probably looked like a mess with her curls wild and her eyes wide, but she didn't care.

"Excuse me, I'm in the middle of a lesson."

Giving the older man the sweetest smile she could muster, around the fear gripping at her heart, she breathed out, still short of breath. "I know and I am so sorry to interrupt." Her eyes scanned the room quickly before landing on Jay and she pointed at him. "But I really need to borrow Jay for a minute. It's an emergency." She rushed into the classroom and grabbed the thief's arm, hard enough to make him flinch a bit. The teacher looked like he wanted to argue, but she had pulled Jay out into the hallways too quickly.

"What the hell, E? What's going on?"

She heaved again and a sad expression suddenly surged through her eyes, making Jay worry. "I think they're back," she whispered once the door shut behind them. Jay frowned, eyebrows pulling down as he watched the Evil Queen's daughter fidget with her fingers and various rings. "We were in class and Carlos... he started just kind of freaking out and laughing and... Jay I think the voices are back, I think he's hearing them again." Jay's entire body went rigid and his eyes widened at her. "I-I thought they were gone once we got here, once we decided to be good. He was so much better and he's been okay, but... but you should have heard him, you should have seen the smile on his face in class, Jay... it was _her_ smile... I-I'm worried about him..."

"Where is he?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, he just grabbed his stuff and left..."

"I'll check the dorms, you go get Mal and check outside, empty classrooms, anywhere you can think of, okay?" He didn't wait for a reply before sprinting off towards him and Carlos' shared room. His heart was thudding in his chest and he pushed his legs as hard as they could go. He could remember Carlos from before they came here. He was fun, he was wicked... but he was also a little broken. Sure, none of them had great lives. Jafar made him steal all the time and when he didn't get anything good, he didn't get fed, easy as that. Every once in a while he'd get the occasional slap for talking back, but Jay was big and he could be scary when he wanted and his father had learned quickly that there are other ways to punish someone. Mal and Evie mostly got verbally abused. Mal relied so much on her mother's satisfaction, desperately clinging to any sort of compliment and love that she could. Evie was reduced to always being told she was second prettiest, that she had to act dumb to meet guys. Out of all of them, Evie probably had it the easiest. Carlos though... Worry mixed with anger flooded through him as memories from the Isle came forth. Memories of Carlos huddled up in a closet with cigarette burns on his arms and bruised ribs. Memories of having to hold him still and calm while Evie stitched up his wounds and Mal cooked them all dinner. Memories of Carlos pacing around his room, throwing things and muttering to voices that weren't there. It pained him everytime and while he hadn't forgotten that like the others, he hadn't noticed anything wrong. Evie was right, Carlos had been _better._  He seemed happier. But Jay hadn't had the _time_  to really check on him, to really see that something was wrong.

He came into their room to see a black scarf on the ground and Dude pawing at the door to the closet, whining softly.

Jay's heart lurched, remembering how Carlos often hid in closets to get away from his mother.

He opened it slowly, carefully and searched the darkness with gentle eyes. "Carlos? It's me, Jay." There was a soft squeak and some shuffling. A pile of clothes toppled over towards him and opened up a clear view of the smaller body huddled in the corner of the closet. He couldn't see him very well, but he could hear the hiccoughs and see the shaking. He sighed and sat just inside the door of the closet, close enough that Carlos could feel his heat, but not close enough to touch. He knew the deal, he knew how this worked. Carlos had to come to him. "How long?" he asked, making sure to keep his voice low and calm even though he wanted nothing more than to go back to the Isle and rip the woman apart for what she did to her son.

There was a long pause and Jay almost thought Carlos hadn't heard him, but just as Jay opened his mouth to repeat the question, a soft voice came from the darkness. "Since coronation..."

"Fuck..." Jay breathed, running a hand over his face. "Carlos that was weeks ago... why didn't you tell us?"

There was no response, but the shorter man crawled a bit out of the darkness, head down as he snuggled up to Jay's side. Jay wrapped an arm around him without question and held his shaking body close. He could tell the kid was just coming down from a panic attack, and a bad one by the feel of the shaking. He ran a hand over Carlos' neck and then through his hair, something that used to be comforting to him and he could feel Carlos lean into the touch. He was going to ask if he needed anything before his fingers brushed over something wet and he pulled them back, surprised to see something dark staining the tips. "Shit, C... are you bleeding?"

Carlos swallowed and just curled up more, his face digging into Jay's shoulder. "'s bad..." he whispered.

Jay felt his heart wrench at the words and slowly moved his hands so one was under Carlos' knees and the other on his back. "Okay, I'm going to pick you up okay? We'll get you in the bathroom and get you clean up alright? Do I need to call Evie?" Carlos usually only needed stitches after his mother went after him, but it'd been a while and he wasn't sure yet how much damage he could do to himself. Carlos shook his head so Jay picked him up effortlessly and carried him into the brightly lit bathroom attached to their dorm and sat him on the toilet. He'd check for himself if Evie needed to come down or not, he couldn't really trust Carlos in this state.

The harsh light of the white room made the boy look a lot worse than he probably was and Jay flinched as he took in every detail.

Carlos sat on the toilet almost limp, his arms hanging loosely in his lap, his head down and his shoulders slumped. There was blood in his hair, but upon further inspection Jay couldn't find any actual damage done to the man's scalp. His fingers were also bloody, already starting to dry and cake under his nails. Carlos started tugging at his sleeves, knowing that Jay was going to check, but his fingers were quickly batted away. Jay rolled up the sleeves slowly, turning his arms over and over, pleased that there were no new marks.

_Then where is the blood from?_  he wondered.

"Carlos, I need you to look at me," he muttered, eyes taking in the blood that was soaked into his collar. When Carlos didn't move, Jay put a gentle finger under his chin and lifted it until brown eyes met his. The air was knocked out of him suddenly, like a swift kick to the stomach, when he saw Carlos' neck. His entire throat was covered with scratches and stained with blood. It looked like a scene from a horror movie and Jay had to fight the urge to throw up at the sight. Some of the scratches looked pretty deep and he thought he'd need to call Evie after all. "Fuck...  Alright, Carlos," he breathed, trying his best to sound calm as blank eyes stared down at him. "I'm going to clean you up okay? And then Evie is going to come over and look at your neck." A hand flew up and gripped at the wrist that held Carlos' chin and a frightened look shot through his eyes. Jay frowned and swallowed. "Some of these scratches are really deep, Carlos, and haven't stopped bleeding yet. I'd feel better if Evie looks at them. Is that okay? I won't do anything you're uncomfortable with. I promise."

Carlos seemed to think about it for a while, or Jay assumed he was thinking. He didn't speak, but his face was expressionless, like he was trying to empty his mind. _Probably trying to silence it,_  he thought.

After too long, Carlos gave just the tiniest of nods and Jay nodded back. "Alright, you stay here, don't move, alright? I'm going to text Evie and Mal and grab some towels to wipe off the blood." When Carlos didn't reply, Jay went over to the sink and washed his hands before texting Evie.

 

To Evie: I found Carlos. We need mending. - Jay

 

He knew she'd understand. On the Isle, the kids were pretty much expected to take what their parents dished out. It was weak if they didn't. So they had long ago created short code phrases for things they needed.

'Breadline was short today,' was Jay saying he needed food.

'Hot day out' was Mal saying to steer clear because her mom was in a mood.

'We need mending' was when one of them, usually Carlos, needed stitches.

 

To Jay: Shit... we're on our way. - Evie

 

Jay took a towel and a washcloth which he soaked with water before wringing out, and made his way back to Carlos, making sure to always stay in his line of sight. He knelt down in front of him, using a finger to lift his chin again. He placed the dry towel in Carlos' lap and used the other to slowly wipe at the blood on his neck. Carlos' hand found his wrist again, but he didn't stop him, only muttered quietly, eyes staring past Jay's head.

"Broken," he whispered. "She said I was broken... like a doll... like porcelain. Broken and glued and broken and glued..." his voice trailed off and his fingers tightened as he listened to the voices that Jay couldn't hear.

Jay clenched his jaw and held back a growl. "You look pretty solid to me, Carlos," he said, sneering when he flinched under his hands as the towel rubbed against a deeper wound. "Why don't you tell me about your weird thing you're making, the one you were working on last night," he said, trying to distract the man with talks about his tinkering toys. It wasn't working though because he started rocking back and forth, his free hand reaching up to pull at his hair. Not hard enough for Jay to worry, not yet, but hard enough to _feel_  something.

"They're here, Jay... in my head..." he clenched his eyes shut and whined, smacking his palm to his temple. "I can hear her, laughing... I can hear them screaming... I can... I can hear dogs barking." The last few words were said more with fascination and Jay looked up to see wide, surprised eyes. "Lovely, little brats," he breathed. "Mum would love a new coat... a new coat... they're barking, Jay." His voice became strained again and his eyebrows drew down. He clenched his fingers tight around Jay's wrist as he continued cleaning silently. "Can you hear them? They're barking... so loud... too loud... make them stop... make them stop..."

"Hey, I'm here," Jay said, dropping the rag to Carlos' lap and taking his face in both his hands. "Listen to _my_ voice. I'm here, Carlos, not them. I'm here." 

Carlos looked at him for a long time, trying to even out his breathing but every time he breathed out, it was in mad, broken giggle. Jay forced himself not to flinch at the sound, a sound so familiar that it shot fear through his stomach. Instead, he went back to cleaning off the rest of the blood that he could, though some wounds were still dripping. He pulled Carlos' other hand out out of his hair and threaded their fingers together, something for him to hold onto, and again forced himself not to flinch when fingernails dug into the back of his hand. _Better me than him..._

There was a soft knock at the door in the other room and Carlos jumped, eyes flitting around. "It's her... it's her, she's here, she found us. You have to hide," Carlos gasped, standing and shoving Jay a bit but his smaller frame barely phased Jay's much bigger one. "You have to hide, she can't see you here, she can't!"

"It's just Evie and Mal," Jay said calmly, moving Carlos to sit back down. "I'm going to go get them okay? I promise, it's not _her_. She's not here, she'll never be here, all right?" That seemed to calm Carlos down enough that he could pry his hands away from the other boy's and he made to wrap the clean towel around his shoulders. He stepped out into the dorm and over to the door quietly, peeking it open to see a worried Evie and Mal standing in the hallway. He quickly waved them in, knowing they shouldn't be in the boy's dorms during classes, and shut and locked the door behind him. When he turned to face them, Evie's eyes were watering as she stared at the bloody rag in his hands and the crescent moons dug into his skin. He only sighed, pulling his beenie off to run a hand through his hair. "It's... it's really bad... I-I'm not sure if he needs stitches or not but... but it's bad."

"I thought he was better," Mal almost whispered, her eyes finding the bathroom but not able to see Carlos from that angle.

"So did I," Jay sighed, leading them to the bathroom. His heart jumped into his throat when he saw Carlos, still on the toilet lid waiting, but he was staring off into space, fingernails scratching at his wrist and leaving angry red marks, but not yet breaking skin. "Carlos, stop that. You're hurting yourself." Jay knelt down in front of him again and took the boy's hands in his. "I brought Evie and Mal, okay? We're going to take care of you. Is it okay if Evie takes a look at your neck?"

Finally, Carlos looked down into his eyes, a frown on his lips. "My neck?" He shrugged. "Sure."

Jay waved them into the bathroom and scooted over enough so Evie could get in front of Carlos, his hands not leaving the other's. Tears filled her eyes and she sniffed at the sight of the bloody mess on Carlos' neck, but she didn't let any fall. She sat her sewing kit on Carlos' lap and forced a smile at him. "Don't worry, dear, I'll be gentle, but it's going to sting a bit, remember?"

"Already hurts," Carlos said, pulling a hand away from Jay to brush a thumb under Evie's eye, confusion etched into his face. "Why are you crying, E?"

Evie smiled, leaning into the touch. "Don't you worry about me, darling. I'm perfectly fine."

"I always worry..."


	3. We're Fucked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos wakes up in Jays arms and Jay realizes he's more fucked than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot shorter than the others, but it's more of a mini-character study. It's kind of a filler chapter. Hope that's okay :)

Carlos woke up with Jay wrapped around him, their legs tangled together and their noses a breath apart. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could feel Evie and Mal in the other bed, Jay's bed, still sleeping. This was familiar to him. Back on the isle when they didn't want to go home, they'd hole up in their treehouse, their hideout, where no one could find them. They would curl up together, protect each other. It wasn't a sexual thing, not that the island ever frowned upon things like that. Sex was sex on the Isle. No body really cared.

But being so close to Jay again, his strong arms wrapped around him and his skin burning against his own... it was different. Carlos kept his eyes closed, feeling the soft breaths against his freckled face, listening to the dull heartbeat from the chest in front of him, focused on it. For a blissful second, everything disappeared. The voices were wonderfully silent and he could hear the birds outside, the band practicing in the distance, the soft breathing of the other three bodies in the room. The sun was shining bright through the windows and it was nothing like the grimy, dull sunlight that fought with clouds and storms on the Isle. Jay smelt like sweat and candy now, a musk that could only fit him and no one else. The Isle always smelt dirty, filled with the stench of fish and trash. It was living in filth.

_But it was home._

Ah, and they're back.

Carlos gripped at Jay's thin tank top and pulled himself closer, a small whine escaping his lips. He tried to claw at the chest in front of him, to wrap his fingers around that beating heart so he could focus on the sound. He tried to steal the breath from inside his lungs to remember that they still breathe.

"Carlos," a soft voice whispered and his eyes screwed shut. A hand brushed up his arm, leaving shocks of electricity and he whined again. It was a wonderful feeling, soft and loving... but something about it felt wrong.

He swallowed, pulling back slightly to look up at a concerned and sleepy Jay. He forced a small smile on his face. "I'm fine. I'm okay. I just want to stay in bed longer instead of go to class." _That's right, lie to them._ "But I have a test today and I really can't afford to fail it. It's in math and you know I'm terrible at math..." Carlos forced himself to look away from those eyes as he sat up, because the only thing he was worse at than math, was lying to Jay. "We should wake up the girls," he said absentmindedly, looking over at them. They were curled up with their backs to each other, as always.

That was the difference between the girls, and him and Jay. They were so used to watching each other's back, all of them were really, but the girls were different. They stood back to back against the world, so no one could sneak up on them. They knew that they were always protected because someone stood with them, behind them. Carlos and Jay... well Carlos needed a different kind of protection, and Jay knew that. He needed to be able to _see_  who was protecting him, see the looks on their faces. He'd been fooled too many times by false loves that would whisper in his ear from behind him while still stabbing a burning cigarette into his skin. He needed to see something, to touch something, in order to feel protected. He still wasn't sure what Jay got out of it, he was still trying to figure that out.

"Eh, let them sleep. They have study hour first anyway. Are you sure you're alright? I'll walk with you to class if you want."

_Weak. Weak. Weak._

Carlos shook his head. "No, I'm okay, I promise. Yesterday was just... a bad day. I'll be fine." As if to prove his point, he shot a smile over his shoulder and tossed his sleep shirt at Jay's face with a normal laugh. _Normal, yeah right._  "I'll text if I need you, okay?" That seemed to placate Jay because he narrowed his eyes, watching Carlos as he pulled on a long sleeve shirt and his red and black leather jacket. He had slept in his shorts and he picked up the scarf on the floor, wrapping it around his now bandaged neck while Jay grunted and dropped back onto the bed.

"Fine, but I'm ditchin'. Game tonight so I need my beauty sleep."

Carlos didn't question it his eyes falling to the red Beenie that sat on the desk beside his bed. 

Before he could stop himself, he picked it up and turned to Jay. Something warm flooded through him as he fingers the fabric in his fingers. It was calming and he brought it a bit closer to his face, taking a deep breath of Jay. It was calming, and again the voices were pushed to the back of his head, just barely whispers. Carlos bit his lip and poked Jay in the shoulder, rousing him awake for a few moments. Jay blinked up at him, a frown on his lips at the blush over Carlos' freckled cheek. 

"What's wrong?"

He started to sit up but Carlos shook his head, holding up the hat a little to get the thiefs attention. "If you aren't going to class... can I wear your hat?" The others eyebrows drew together in confusion. "I-I just..." _need it to feel safe_ , "my hair looks really bad and I don't know where my hat is..."

Jay seemed to understand the unspoken meaning and smirked, reaching up to muss up Carlos' hair even more. "Sure, just don't lose it."

"I wont!" Carlos beamed, sliding the had over his head so just a tuft of blond curls stuck out the front. "I'll see you at the game!" And a moment later he was gone.

 

...

 

Jay was shocked, laying in bed not able to fall asleep despite telling Carlos he was going to. Seeing the younger villain in his hat had sent a shock through his veins and he was speechless, watching him rush out of the room. He knew it was stupid to get so close, to lay in the same bed as the other boy. He'd long ago started feeling his heart ache when he saw Carlos' smile, or felt something stronger than friendship for him. But falling in love? That wasn't something he knew how to do. 

Seeing him smiling, wearing his beenie, made him want to kiss the smile away from his lips.

Carlos was vulnerable though, broken- not that he'd ever tell Carlos that. He was Carlos' protector, his best friend, his brother. Carlos could barely function right now as a friend, much less a lover.

So he would be his protector, he would hold him together until Carlos was ready for something more.

His phone dinged beside him and reluctantly he rolled over and looked at the message.

It was a selfie of Carlos, smiling big as Dude linked up his cheek. And Carlos was wearing his hat.

'Dude tried to steal your hat! I protected it!' The caption said.

Jay couldn't help but smile and dig his face into the pillow, breathing in deep. It smelled like Carlos and Dude, like chocolate and grass. It smelt wide and free.

"You're fucked," a sleepy voice said from the other side of the room. Jay rolled over, eyes connecting with Mal's smirking face. He rolled his eyes and she only smirked wider. "Jay we've always known. You two have been growing closer and closer since we all met. You're the only one who can even keep him calm in situations like yesterday. If it were me or Evie... he could have done a lot more damage than he did. You know that." Mal sighed and her eyes fluttered closed again. "Just... take care of him, you know?"

"Always," he replied before sighing and running  a hand through his long hair. "Yeah, I'm fucked..."

 


	4. The Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos' voices start to get out of hand and Ben gets caught up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is longer to make up for the last chapter being short. :)

It started a week later. Carlos' neck had healed enough that all Mal had to do was cast a simple glamour and he could go out without his scarf, and with winter coming his leather jacket was a nice comfort. The fur of the collar brushed against his neck with small tickles and made him smile.

_Too bad mummy didn't have real fur left for you... it'd feel so much better than that faux shit._

_There are puppies on Auradon, right?_

Carlos froze in the middle of the hallway at that thought. It shot through him like lightning because he knew what the voices were suggesting, knew what they wanted him to do. His heart beat loudly in his chest, a rabid dog in a cage, and he clenched his fists at his sides. He knew there were people watching him, but he was all too aware of the small, warm dog sitting at his feet, waiting for Carlos to keep walking. His head was filled to the brim with voices and dogs barking, pushing against his skull until they were ready to burst. He closed his eyes and tried to fight against them but it only made them angrier. 

_Get the dog, Carlos! He'd make an adorable lining! Or maybe a new set of gloves?_

_Though he is a little mangy isn't he?_

_True. Perhaps just an accessory then? Maybe a new purse for mummy? Or a new pin. Baby would love some company._

_Listen to me, Carlos! Are you listening you little rat? Get the dog!_

_Get the dog! Get the dog! Get the dog! Get the Dog!_

"Hey Carlos, are you alright?"

The boy gasped and took a step back, his eyes snapping open to see Ben looking at him curiously. Carlos' heart was hammering and his fingers twitching, as if the voices were trying to get control. "She... she wants something new," he mumbled before he could stop himself. Ben frowned at him and in the back of his mind, hidden behind the voices, Carlos screamed for him to help, begged him to see that something was wrong but he couldn't claw his way out. His voice was raw and his arms were tired. He was trapped in a sea of other voices, drowning and he couldn't get to the surface. "Something new... maybe I could make her a pair of gloves?" He could feel his face light up, hopeful even though he was burning inside. "She'd like that right?" His hands reached out and grabbed onto the first thing he could touch, which happened to be Ben's lapel. "She'd like that? Do you think? I-I could ask Evie for help... she'd help... after I mean. I have to find the... material first..." His words drifted off as he clawed his way through the sea, grasping what little control he had left and fisting Ben's shirt in his hands. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths.

"Carlos? Are you alright? Who wants something new? Mal?"

"No," he whispered, but not to Ben. They were screaming at him. _Get the dog, Carlos! Get the dog!_ "No I can't... I can't do that, I can't do it."

He felt two hands grip onto his arms and he blinked his eyes open. Ben had dropped his books and was looking at him with worry in his eyes. "Carlos? Please, tell me what's going on. I feel like you need help."

_Jay_ , he thought, _I need Jay._  "Dude..." he gasped out instead. Ben frowned but he bent down to pick something up. When he came back in Carlos' vision, he was holding Dude in his arms. Carlos could feel his hands reaching out, fingers brushing the fur over the dogs back, his head, his neck.... _Just do it, baby. Mummy will be so proud of you._  "No!"

Ben jumped as Carlos screamed, pushing them away and scrambling into the lockers.

"Y-you can have him back," Carlos forced himself to say, cringing at the vicious screams that were echoing inside his head. Ben looked at him with worried and confused eyes, eyes that searched for a reason. _Lie to him. He can't know we're crazy or he'll send you back to the Isle... back to mummy... come home, sweetie..._ "I-I can't watch him right now... I'm getting sick and don't want him to... get... sick." Carlos shook his head, knowing it was a terrible lie but he was desperate and with so much screaming going on in his head he couldn't think of something better to say. Instead he just pushed passed the prince, tripping over the books he'd dropped on the floor and rushed in the opposite direction.

_You little brat! It was right there! Practacly in your clutches!_

_Now mummy will have to use you as a coat instead, wouldn't that be sad?_

_Mummy misses you, Darling. She has no one to take care of her. Come home._

Carlos finally paused as he came to a spot underneath the bleachers outside and dropped to his knees. His nails clawed into the grass, pulling chunks of it out as he tried to get control of his breathing.

"I can't, I can't... don't make me do it..."

 

...

 

"Hey Mal? Is everything okay with Carlos?"

The three villains' heads shot up so fast that Ben took a frightened step back. Jay stood quickly and frowned. "What do you mean? What happened?"

Ben shrugged, shifting Dude in his arms as if to show them that he was there and not with Carlos. "I found him stopped in the hallway just... standing there. When I asked him what was wrong, he kept saying 'she wants something new'. I tried to ask him what he was talking about, but he wouldn't tell me." He lifted Dude again before putting him on the ground next to Evie's feet. "He said he wanted Dude, but when I tried to give him the dog, he freaked out and ran. He told me he was getting sick and didn't want to get Dude sick."

"That's not necessarily possible," Doug piped in. "Most dogs can't get sick from human diseases."

"That bitch," Mal hissed, drawing the two others' attention back to her. Her eyes were glowing green and Ben put a hand on her shoulder. He knew that meant there was trouble. She looked up at Jay and Evie who looked equally angry and a bit scared. "Even here she's getting to him..."

Jay put his hands on the table and leaned forward, seemingly ignoring Ben and Doug. "Mal we have to do something. It's just getting worse and worse the longer we're here."

Evie looked up at him and frowned. "But we can't go back to the Isle. While he was better there... it's only because she's there to make it worse in real life."

Ben took a seat next to Mal, growing more and more confused as they spoke.

"Well we have to do something!" Jay's voice grew to an almost hoarse yell before he calmed down enough to whisper to them. "I can't watch him get worse, Mal. If he's turning away Dude, then he's losing control. He knows it, which is good, but it means he's not well." The thief plopped back down into his seat and dropped his face in his hands, fisting his long hair in his hands. "I know you didn't before, when we were on the Isle... but do you know of a spell or anything that could help him?"

"Maybe we could talk to the Fairy Godmother?" The others looked at Evie, surprised at her suggestion and she shrugged. "What? Her magic is powerful, even if she doesn't use it. She could be able to help."

Ben raised his hand a bit. "Or maybe I could help if I knew what was going on? What are you guys talking about?"

They all stared at him for a long time, a mix of surprise and suspicion on their faces. Ben would have been insulted that they didn't trust him, but he had to remind himself everyday that they were used to not trusting people, but they were getting better at it. He watched as they shared looks between each other, having a silent conversation that neither he nor Doug could hear. After what seemed like forever in awkward silence, Jay gave just the barest of nods and Mal turned back to him.

"You have to promise me that you'll help him and not send him back."

"Back to the Isle?" Ben pulled back in shock, taking Mal's hands in his. "Mal, I won't send any of you back there, not unless you want to go back."

She waved his words away with a hand and sighed. "Carlos... we all had it bad on the Isle, you know that. Our parents aren't exactly the nicest of people. When I betrayed my mother, she tried to kill me and my friends. So yeah, it wasn't easy. But Carlos had it the worst out of all of us." Ben opened his mouth to respond, but she just held up a hand. "I know, you'd think since my mother is the worst villain, I'd have it the worst. But Cruella... my mother was evil, Cruella was psychotic. Listen, I can't tell you everything because it's not my story to tell. Carlos has to decide that, but he's not well right now. On the Isle, it wasn't very uncommon to see people driven a little crazy. We all were. No one batted an eye when Carlos went off the rails because it was evil, it was crazy, it's what we did. Plus, we were all there to help him come back down from it. But here..."

"We thought he was getting better," Evie whispered, tears in her eyes as she looked down at her hands. Doug grabbed one and gave her a reassuring smile, though he was just as confused as Ben.

"What do you mean?"

"Carlos has what we call on the Isle- Madness," Jay told him as he crossed his arms. "Not many of us are effected by it. Most of us don't even know what causes it or why it happens. A lot of people think it's just a myth."

Doug frowned. "I think I've heard of that. Back in the day they used to think Hatter had it before they found out it was because of the mercury he made his hats with."

Mal clenched her fists and sighed. "Carlos' mother was the worst of the worst. She only cared about herself and Carlos took a lot of shit because of it. Most of us think Cruella has some sort of Madness as well, but it's not nearly as bad as Carlos'. He has these... episodes where he can't control his thoughts and they tell him to do things he doesn't want to do. He hears her voice in his head and it's terrible."

Ben listened and his heart ached. He knew the kids had had it bad on the Isle, and he knew they were struggling to fit in and get used to the ways of Auradon, but he didn't know the extent of it. When they first came here, Carlos seemed the sweetest of them all, always happy and excited- if a bit eccentric. But he'd never met their parents, never met Cruella. He'd heard briefly about the video chat they had right before coronation and how it didn't go well, but he didn't understand. Ben grew up in privilege, with parents who loved him no matter what, who would die for him if needed. Mal had told him once that her mother would first kill her than herself. 

_"On the Isle, kids are a means to an end. We're there to carry on the legacy of evil, and if we don't... well they can always have another. Kids are rarely had out of love, at least not with our parents."_ She had told him.

"Usually he can push them back. On the Isle he didn't have to. The thoughts could tell him to steal something, he'd do it, no big deal," Jay continued for her. "They told him to do evil things, he did them. It's what we did on the Isle. Good things were frowned upon. But here, I think he's struggling a lot more with keeping control because he doesn't want to do whatever they're telling him to do. I can only help him so-"

"Guys!"

The conversation came to an abrupt hault as they all turned to see Jane running up to them, her cheeks pink and flustered and a bit out of breath. "I'm so glad I found you! My mother wanted to talk to you all! I found Carlos on the way here and sent him to her office already, but she said she has some very important matters to discuss with you." A big smile crossed over her face and she pointed back the direction she came. "She wanted Ben there as well."

Ben turned to the group and pointed his finger at Mal. "This conversation is not over."


	5. Back on the Isle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cruella is not happy when Carlos accidentally insults her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback chapter! Just FYI. There is some abuse in this chapter, so beware going in.

One Year Ago

 

 

"Carlos!"

The white haired boy jumped in surprise, nearly dropping the piles of fur he held in his hands. He kicked the door shut behind him and flinched when it slammed a bit harder than he intended. _Oh you'll pay for that, now boy._ "Yeah mom, I'm home!"

She appeared in a flourish of white and black, her fur coat spotted with little tufts of opposite coloured fur, Baby secured just on the collar. Her hair was wild as ever and she had a long stemmed cigarette in her gloved fingers, a slow line of smoke billowing towards the ceiling. 

"Oh! Carlos, darling you nearly gave me a fright!" She practically skipped forward and plopped two slobbery kisses on his cheeks. Carlos tried not to recoil back, but there was no madness in her eyes, no evidence of threat on her tongue, so he relaxed and smiled. "My little boy, what have you brought mummy now?" She squealed with glee as he held up the pile of furs that he'd stolen from various vendors around the Isle. There weren't many, as fur wasn't exactly common on the Isle - mostly leather- but he'd picked what he could and brought it back to her, hoping it would suffice.  

He laid them on the table and watched as she picked through them, holding her cigarette out in his direction. "Here darling, hold this for mummy, would you?" He plucked it out of her fingers, but kept it close enough that she could grab it again when she needed it.

Carlos knew the drill. He knew how to act so she didn't go off on him. If he was good, if he was a good son, maybe she'd be happy.

_You're never a good son. You're nothing but a mutt, a little bastard child she never wanted in the first place._

_Oh but mummy loves you when you're hurting doesn't she?_

"Well there sure aren't very many here, are there?" He heard the disappointment in her voice and tried not to let the fear show on his face when he tensed up. She turned to him with a frown. "You've only brought me four furs! That's hardly enough, I couldn't even make a whole outfit with these." She pouted, her fingers reaching out to snatch Carlos' chin, forcing him to look at her with a bruising grip. "Winter is coming, do you want your mummy to freeze?"

Carlos swallowed and shook his head. Gods he wished his friends were here to back him up. Mal never backed down from a fight. "Of course not, mom. Lenny said that Auradon is sending less and less goods over. The shop is running low on everything, not just furs." He didn't bother to tell her that he didn't actually steal the furs, but that Lenny had given him the leftovers that nobody wanted. Few people knew his situation, but Mal had threatened Lenny to cough them over. "I got you the newest ones though," he lied, his voice cracking a bit in desperation. "These are the furs that everyone in Auradon are wearing. T-they'll look lovely on you mom, I promise. And I can talk to Evie, she could make  an entire outfit out of them, I'm sure."

A dangerous look flashed through her eyes and his rambling came to a quick halt.

_Idiot. You've gone and made mummy mad now._

"You doubt my skills in making an outfit?" She asked. There was no hurt in her voice, only a deep sinister sound, so evil it rivaled Maleficent's cackle. Her eyes widened and the grip on his chin tightened so hard he knew it'd be purple and black tomorrow. "I was a fashion _icon_ before those damned prissy _freaks_  sent me to this god forsaken island! I had designs walking every runway from here to Charmington! I had Kings and Queens begging for my work."

"I-I know that mom... I didn't mean... I didn't think-"

"No," she said, almost pitifully, and kissed his forehead, plucking the cigarette from his hands. His stomach rolled but he clenched his teeth and forced himself to breath. "Of course you didn't think, my dear. You never do." Her voice was calm and it sent a wave of panic rolling through him, the urge to turn and run away itching under his skin. But he stayed still, knowing running would only make it worse. Before he could answer, she took a plate in her hand and threw it at the wall, a scream echoing through the room as it cracked and broke. "I had fame!" She screamed and cackled. "I was the next Vera Wang! I had the kingdoms eating out of the palm of my hands!" She threw something else that shattered against the wall and Carlos ducked as something was sent his way. He tried to back up, but his back hit a wall and he flinched as his mother stalked towards him, waving the cigarette around the air as she cackled. "Villains begged at my feet for just a taste of what I could make. I designed Maleficent's original dress, you know. I was amazing!"

"I know mom... you were the best. I'm sorry, mom... I'll get you better furs next time, I promise."

She laughed again before leaning in close to his face. She took a low drag of her cigarette, held it, and then blew it right in his face. "Oh I know, sweetie, I know." Carlos coughed as the smoke burned his eyes and tried to look away, but she took his chin once again in her grasp, slamming his head back against the wall with a painful thud. "I know deary, you know how? Because you love your mummy, you would do anything for her right?"

Carlos swallowed. "Y-yeah, mom, of course."

"Would you steal for your mummy?"

"Yeah."

"Would you kill for your mummy?"

"Yes..."

"Would you die for her?"

Carlos must have been silent for too long because she screamed and slammed his head back again, a wicked smile twisting her lips. Fear boiled through his blood and Carlos gripped her wrists with a tight grip. "Carlos! Sweetie, I just asked you a question. No need to fear." Her hand slowly moved lower until it wrapped around his throat, not tight enough to cut off his air, but enough that breathing was becoming a struggle. 

_I have to get out... get out... get out..._

_You can't run away from mummy. She'll always find you. She's always there._

_Just do what she wants. Die for her._

"Would. You. Die. For. Me?" She chopped the sentence in to individual words, her breath dusting across his cheeks with a layer of smoke and ash in it. Her fingers tightened and tightened and Carlos started to kick his feet out, his eyes wide as he fought the grip. He couldn't breathe, couldn't draw in anymore breath and Cruella was just looking at him with wicked eyes. Those eyes began to fill with tears and she wrought a terrible sob from her chest. The shift in mood almost gave him whiplash, but she let go of his throat and let him drop to his knees. "Carlos, my son, the only one I have left in this god forsaken world," she weeped, dropping into a chair around the table of furs. "My only son, my own blood and sweat... I thought you loved your mummy."

_You don't love your own mother? What kind of a bastard are you?_

_She gave you everything. She feeds you. She clothes you. She gave you life, and  you torture her like this._

Carlos gasped for air, his neck already starting to bruise by the feel of it, but he crawled over to sit at his mother's feet. He took her hands in his and swallowed past the pain. She had tears streaking down her face and heartbreak in her eyes.

_No one in this world loves you other than her. No one. Just our mummy._

"Oh mom, don't cry, please..." he begged, his voice raspy from the lack of air. He put his head in her lap, unable to look at her face right now, and frowned. "Don't cry, mum. I love you, I do. I promise. I'll be better next time, I will, don't worry." He felt her raise one of her hands to his hair, threading her fingers through it soothingly and he imagined she had a soft smile on her lips, not a wicked one. "I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry."

Later that night, he snuck out the window of his bedroom, dropping lightly to his feet and tucking into a roll. He glanced back for only a second to make sure the lights were still off and his mother still asleep before taking to the streets. His feet pounded against broken stones and asphalt and he vaulted over gates and around people that were still wandering the streets. His breath came in easy puffs, though his throat still sore from earlier.

Being outside, breathing in the cold, wet air, brought a certain peace to his mind, however and he breathed easy. He made his way towards the warehouse section of town where he knew the others would be waiting for him. It was after all someone's birthday today, and though their parents didn't celebrate it- in fact most people on the island didn't- the four still liked to do something small for each other. Their 'treehouse' was a big room on the top floor of an abandoned warehouse. They'd gathered various old couches and tables and thrown them in there, there was a fooseball table and an old tv  that only worked half the time. Mal and spray painted the entire room with amazing pictures and words, including all four of their icons they'd made up long ago.

Jay was the only one there, and he looked up from the pile of jewelry he had in front of him - likely just stolen- and frowned. Carlos smiled big as he slid up next to the other boy, really not caring to talk about what he knew was a nasty bruise around his neck. "Hey! Where are the girls?" Jay shrugged and narrowed his eyes a bit. After a full minute of him doing nothing but glaring at Carlos, the boy sighed and relaxed, raising his chin so he was looking at the ceiling. "It's really not that bad, Jay. Just a bruise. It's better than most nights."

He could feel the faintest brush of fingers where the bruises were, but instead of tensing like he would if it were his mother, he melted a bit at the touch. It was soft, as if afraid it'd hurt him.

Jay growled low in his throat but pulled back. "I hate her."

"Come on, Jay, she's my mom." Carlos shook his head and something in his memory clicked into place. "Oh yeah!" His face brightened all at once and Jay raised an eyebrow at the change. Carlos ignored it, pulling out a small box that he'd stolen from his mother's stash, hoping she wouldn't notice, and held it out. He'd drawn a little cobra on the lid of the box and tied it with a red and black bow. "Happy birthday!"

Jay laughed, running his hand through his loose hair and shook his head. "Dude, you didn't have to get me anything. You know we usually just hang out."

Carlos shrugged. "Yeah well, if it makes you feel better, I stole it."

It did in fact make Jay feel better because he perked up a bit and shook the box close to his ear, drawing a laugh from Carlos. Hearing nothing, he carefully pulled the bow off and opened the box. "Ah sweet!" Jay smiled and pulled the red material out of the box before pulling it on his head, over his long hair. "I needed a new beenie! Dad sold mine a few weeks ago."

"I know," Carlos smiled, glad the other liked his gift. "I found it while getting my mom some furs today and it was your color, so."

Jay wrapped his arm around Carlos playfully, pulling him into a soft headlock and rubbing his knuckles along Carlos' head. "Thanks bro, I love it."


	6. Note from Author

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a quick note

Hi Everyone!

I just wanted to thank you all for all the comments and kudos and such! I am NOT abandoning this story, I promise. I'll be updating it hopefully soon, I've just been swamped with real life stuff and I've had a bit of a writers block when it comes to my fanfics. BUT I'm working this one out and have the next chapter outlined, it just needs written. Thank you all for being patient! 

In the mean time, check out this AMAZING fanfic that Aesthetic King wrote inspired by mine. It's FANTASTIC and I would argue much better than mine.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11787840/chapters/26583033

 

AGain, thanks for being patient, hoping to update soon.

Faye


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